Is Empathy a Sin?

On the subtle threat of quicksand and compassion.

Have you ever experienced quicksand up close? If so, did you survive? I sure hope so.

One of my favorite stand-up comedians, John Mulaney, has a bit about quicksand. He says,

“I always thought that quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be. Because if you watch cartoons, quicksand is like the third biggest thing you have to worry about in adult life behind real sticks of dynamite and giant anvils falling on you from the sky. I used to sit around and think about what to do about quicksand… Now that I've gotten older, not only have I never stepped in quicksand—I've never even heard about it! No one's ever been like, "Hey if you're coming to visit, take I-90 'cause I-95 has a little quicksand in the middle. Looks like regular sand, but then you're gonna start to sink into it.”

I too remember quicksand as a prominent feature of the cartoons of my childhood, yet I too have never experienced quicksand firsthand. It turns out that quicksand is actually not all that dangerous for us. According to a National Geographic article quicksand has a density of 2 grams per milliliter, and human density is only about 1 gram per milliliter, therefore it is impossible for a human being to sink all the way into quicksand. If someone is stuck in quicksand, they would likely only sink to about the level of their waist. Studies have shown—yes there are studies on this—that even small aluminum object would not sink into quicksand as long as it stayed at rest. It turns out that the threat of quicksand is all bark and no bite.

Recently I was listening to a conversation between two prominent Christian thinkers critiquing the idea of empathy. They make the argument that sympathy (or compassion) is what we should have toward people who are struggling, but empathy is dangerous. Sympathy is “to suffer with,” and empathy is “to suffer into.” According to these men, when we give into the cultural pull of showing empathy, we don’t create enough emotional distance between ourselves and the struggler and we lose our ability to think objectively about their struggle. In this conversation, empathy is described as “parasitic” and “sympathy gone bad.”

I’ve made it my personal mission to help Christian leaders be more empathetic, so obviously I disagree with these assessments. Do I think it’s possible to lose our objectivity in leadership because we’ve gotten too close to someone else’s pain? Yes. Do I think it’s possible that we can become so enmeshed in a struggler’s life that we can’t tell where our emotions end and theirs begin? For sure. But do I think that these pitfalls make it impossible for us to show empathy in leadership? Resoundingly, no.

There are many aspects of empathy that I hope to discuss with you in the coming weeks, but one of the most important is the idea of seeking understanding. Moving from sympathy to empathy involves a level of entering into a struggler’s world to learn deeply about his or her experience. If we are going to truly lead someone well—whether that’s someone who works for us, someone we serve in ministry, or even our own family—we have to seek to understand their perspective. We need to understand their beliefs, emotions, assumptions, and experiences. All of those things shape their reality; and whether we agree with those things or not, leading people well requires stepping into their shoes and familiarizing ourselves with them as much as possible.

Someone who views empathy as soft or weak might say, “If I try to enter the world of a person struggling, won’t I run the risk of not being able to offer hard feedback or constructive criticism?” On the contrary, by entering a person’s struggle with them you can offer better criticism than you could if you kept emotional distance. As one writer puts it, “Cognitive empathy seeks to deeply understand someone from his or her vantage point, which also means that later ‘critical observations’ will be more appropriate, nuanced, trusted, and thus easier to accept.” Did you catch that? Empathy supercharges your ability to say hard things to someone because you know what you’re talking about and you’ve earned the right to speak into his or her life.

The book of Hebrews says that Christ “had to be like his brothers and sisters in every way, so that he could become a merciful and faithful high priest in matters pertaining to God, to make atonement for the sins of the people” (Heb. 2:17, CSB). In the incarnation, Jesus Christ left his position at the right hand of the Father to take on flesh and enter into our world. Jesus understands our temptations. He understands our emotions. He understands our strife. When we show empathy to the struggler under our leadership, we become more like Jesus.

Now, back to the quicksand. Our friends who call empathy a sin envision a person sinking in quicksand and a person standing by ready to help. They say that sympathy seeks to have the helper stand on the bank with a steady foot and pull someone out, while empathy jumps in the pit and they both sink. What’s wrong with this illustration? Well first of all, as we’ve learned from National Geographic, nobody’s going to sink all the way—a relief for all anxious kids who watch cartoons. But why do we know that? We know that because scientists took the time to understand quicksand, measuring its properties, recreating potential sinking scenarios. They entered the world of quicksand and found out exactly where the danger does and does not lie.

Friends, be empathetic. Plunge head first into the life of your people, learn about them, love them, and lead them with compassion and understanding.